What is happy?
by WiNdGoDdEsS688
Summary: You ever screw up and wonder how the heck you're gonna fix it? Well, somtimes it's not always easy and yeah...straange things can happen..really strange...I updated! please be proud!
1. Question and Answer

This is a really short story that I just made up and it's short because I haven't really put it into an actual story ya know, with chapters and everything, but I plan to add. But please R&R if you want more because I'm actually motivated when people review and I know SOMEONE is reading this.  
  
Dis: I don't own Teen Titans, that lucky Murakami dude does  
  
And now Terra spent her days, not trying to act like she was happy, but accepted the fact that she wasn't happy, that she felt like crying. This was more healthy than most people think. Instead of bottling her emotions inside, she acknowledged them. But not all understood this.  
  
"What's wrong with her?!" cried Beastboy to Melissa.  
  
"Nothing's wrong," I replied. "She's just learning to let her REAL emotions come out and not pretend anymore.  
  
"I don't like it! I don't like the way she is now," Beastboy sobbed out loud, tears flowing like a river down his face. "I liked her better when she was smiling and happy."  
  
"Well, that's the problem," I answered slowly, "she wasn't really smiling.  
  
Once again, I'm sorry it's so short (I hope the powers that be that control fanfic don't have a rule on how long a chapter needs to be. hehe, 


	2. What is Happy?

WOW! People actually reviewed!! I'm so happy! (does weird/freaky victory dance) NE Wayz…some reviewer responses  
  
To NNY273000 : I put myself in the story without even knowing it, it's just a habit when I did stories with my other friends. But I like being in them cuz it just makes it easier, most likely because all of my stories in my head start out with me in them. And I can't do special characters because I have STUPID WINDOWS XP!! I miss the days of the .doc and Microsoft Word! (cries) I have to put these stories in Notepad and that's why I have parentheses instead of asterisks for actions.  
  
To Elucidation : Haha, I was just trying to make up a title before my mom came downstairs and saw what I was doing. Yeah, my mom doesn't like me making up stories because she thinks something is "wrong" with you. Why I would think up stories for unreal people when I could "talk and play" with my REAL friends is beyond her.   
  
Also, I'm basing this on the episode "Betrayal" which has yet to come out in the U.S. um, did I write that in the summary (checks) oh, hehe (nervously laughs) I did…  
  
Well, here goes.   
  
Dis: I don't own Teen Titans.  
  
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"What bothers you more?" I gently asked Beastboy as he tried to stop his sobs. "That she's crying or she's not happy, or even just the fact that she's betrayed you guys and joined Slade? You've got a lot of choices."  
  
"It's all of those", his voice answered, trying not to crack. He hurled a punch at the pillow on the sofa as I waited for him to continue.   
  
If she could see you now I thought, but she can't.  
  
"Tell me again, what scares you more?" I quietly asked.  
  
I could see him thinking hard about this question. "That it's not right" he finally answered.  
  
"She's happy."  
  
"HOW!? HOW?! YOU TELL ME!" he screamed out and flung the pillow at me, missing though.  
  
"Tell you? I'm not her." I knew this was a stupid answer, but if he wanted the truth the only source would be Terra herself.  
  
"Well, you seem to know more than enough," he replied, slowly searching in my face for an answer. His anger had ebbed away and now he knew what he wanted.  
  
I thought long and hard. These sorts of subjects are murky water and extremely dangerous. One false word and he's going to pounce on me as a tiger or he'll end up sobbing again. First, I'm going to have to decide what is happy.  
  
"You make jokes…right?" I finally said.  
  
"What?" He seemed taken aback.  
  
" You make people laugh. Although she hardly shows it, even Raven thinks you're funny."  
  
"AND?" he said, looking extremely frustrated.  
  
"Well, why do you make jokes?" I was choosing my words wisely.  
  
"Wh-what?" he sputtered out. "Well…I …don't know."  
  
I couldn't help but laugh a little. "You can't read your own feelings?"  
  
"What? I do," he answered back, looking affronted.  
  
"Then answer me."  
  
"Ok…well, I think that…that I like making people laugh," he said, smiling.  
  
"Oh? And what kind of mood do you need to be in to joke around?" I quickly replied, hoping that I was on the right track.  
  
"Well, I've seen you laugh and joke around at desperate times," he said thoughtfully.  
  
I gently laughed. "You know me well."  
  
"But, I guess the real reason was that I was happy."  
  
"Aha! Therein lies the answer. You were HAPPY."   
  
Beastboy looked more confused than ever. "Uh, yeah…duh"  
  
I breathed in deeply and hoped I wasn't getting into more than I could handle. "Listen, please."  
  
But I could tell that he was getting more than fed up. I prayed quickly that he wouldn't turn into something that could maul me.  
  
"Where is this going?" he finally struggled out.  
  
I rolled my eyes. "Patience, BB, patience."  
  
"Are you quoting Sl-?"  
  
"Hush, I'm answering your question of why Terra cries but is still happy." This was going to be a hard speech to listen to for him. "Now, the quality of being happy is inside your heart and mind. If you aren't happy inside, you won't feel like acting happy or even trying to pretend that you're happy."  
  
Beastboy knew this definition well. "Yeah, she's not happy! She cries every time I get the chance to even see her."  
  
"Maybe she's happy that she's crying"   
  
He slowly turned and stared at me. "Now I know you're whack."  
  
I disregarded the comment, as it would seem that way to me too if I didn't know the whole truth.  
  
"Look, when you keep your true emotions hidden, how can you be happy? How can you laugh and smile and joke with friends when your insides are writhing in grief and guilt? How? How is that being happy? But how do you feel when you can openly express what you truly feel inside? Just that…release is enough to make anyone jump for joy. I asked you about why you make jokes because I knew you would answer 'because I'm happy'. Each person doesn't always need to be smiling in order to show they're happy. You knew that I joke when it's a sad situation. Some people would think I'm crazy for that."  
  
I looked at him after I did my little speech, hoping for some sort of "Aha! I understand" face.  
  
well, next chapter! What will BB do to me? Maul me? Praise me for answering his questions? Sob again? Hehe, most of this came from being really bored in Drama, so I don't know if it's as nice as if I'd had the time to think. Although I don't really think when I make up these stories. They just come to me and I write them down. R&R on what your opinion is. 


	3. The Song

Once again the boredness from Drama took form in another chapter!! I'm gonna try to connect this chapter with last one, but it's hard cuz I just write what comes to me. So this is from Terra's point of view.  
  
Dis: I don't own the song White Flag by Dido (it's a REALLY good song! Download it! Or try and find it!) And I don't own Teen Titans.  
  
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Woke up this morning just because. Since this place is underground no light reaches to wake me like it usually would. Instead I woke up after a sleepless night. After going to bed I wait 3 hours for my mind to erase my guilt and let me drift into the bliss called sleep. But no sooner do I reach bliss then my dreams take me back to that horrible day at the carnival. Every dream I can hear Beastboy's voice when he promised me we'd always be friends; his promise that even if I messed up, he'd always forgive me. My dream seems so real at that moment, as if I'm in the carnival for real. Then everything goes dark and I see Beastboy's pained look when Slade told him the truth. And my dreams always end with him accusing me of betraying the Titans and how he could never even try to forgive me.  
  
With my Grade A sleeping pattern controlling me, it's no wonder that I've been feeling tired. More tired than usual anyways. Slade's been noticing too. My powers have been getting weaker, as well as out of control. I'm scared. What if he decides he doesn't want me anymore? Where will I go? Like I told BB a lifetime ago, the Titans were my only home.  
  
As I ponder what meaning my life has, sometimes Slade lets me go out to the beachfront to relax. He sees how frazzled I'm becoming and I guess he really does want me, because he's trying, in his own odd way, to help me. I guess until I know what to do with my life and know what matters to me, I should be happy he wants to keep me. Funny how he has to be kind in order for me to not lose my mind.  
  
Today I'm allowed to sit near some kids. I don't know why he even bothers letting me get near people. It's not like he'd let me talk and he's always watching me with those damn robots. I couldn't escape or try to talk to anyone even if I tried. Besides, I'm not sure whether I like being near people. They sit on their blankets in the sand and sing and dance to the songs that play on the radio. And their joy washes over me. And it feels good. But at the same time, I think it's slowly making me insane. It's like being shown the thing you want most and every time you go near it, it's taken from your sight. It's a cruel game. And I know how to stop it. But I haven't got the guts. I HATE THIS! I'm such a loser. I have no backbone cuz if I did, I'd have said no to Slade all those times he gave me "advice" on how to help me and my powers.  
  
Thinking isn't going to get me anywhere. I might as well try to enjoy my freedom. I try listening to the radio where the kids are resting and this one song comes on. Suddenly it feels like someone's condensed my life into those lyrics. And I'm back again drifting in the past.  
  
"I know you think that I shouldn't still love you  
  
I'll tell you that  
  
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it  
  
Where's the sense in that"  
  
BB doesn't have to love me. I've caused him enough pain for him to have righteous anger. But my love for him is still there. Not speaking about it doesn't make it fake.  
  
"I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder  
  
I'll return to where we were"  
  
Ha, I am making his life harder. I've caused him all this angst and I can never return to what our friendship was like before. Of course, he might not be as much pain as me. He has people to talk to, I don't.   
  
But I will go down with this ship  
  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
  
There will be no white flag above my door  
  
I'm in love, and always will be.  
  
Wow, I wonder if I actually am able to be brave and stand up for my love. Well, that's song's got one thing right: I'm not going to ever give him up. I might have a backbone of jello but I'm not going to stop loving him. Trying to stop loving someone isn't as easy as it seems I'm sure.  
  
I know I've left too much mess and destruction  
  
To come back again   
  
And I cause nothing but trouble  
  
I understand if you can't talk to me again  
  
And if you live by the rules and it's over  
  
Then I'm sure that that makes sense  
  
Holy crap, does the chick who sings this know my life in detail? It's like she's pointing out to me how I screwed up. The fact that I'm not in control of my powers makes me leave trouble and definitely destruction. My emotional state leaves a mess for everyone  
  
And when we meet  
  
Which I'm sure we will  
  
All that was there will be there still  
  
I'll let it pass and hold my tongue  
  
And you will think that I've moved on  
  
Will I meet him? Other than in some embarrassing battle? Will I have to sacrifice my love for him just so he can move on? I know he's trying to get over me, but maybe it's good he is. Maybe I'm helping by not…oh god I don't even know what I'm saying. On one hand, trying to talk to him might make him more sad but trying NOT to talk to him might make him think I'm truly evil and never really cared for him.   
  
"Ugh!…this whole love thing sucks," I say out loud without even realizing it.  
  
"Yeah, it does," a voice answered.  
  
Sorry there's so many weird cliffhangers people, but I really don't know how to tie it together. I've got the ending now I just need the middle. Pray that it comes cuz Drama is over and no more boredness just freedom!  
  
Go ahead! Press the pretty little purple button! Press it! 


	4. The Mission

Wow, it's been an amazing 5 months since I actually worked on this story. I came up with a WHOLE bunch of others that I'm too embarrassed to post up cuz yeah…I'm self-conscious…hehe but other than that I'm hopefully gonna finish this story by the end of this year…which is in ::checks watch:: 15 days…well, here it is, I don't know how many people actually read this except like…two so yeah! Sorry to keep u waiting!

Haha, omg, I didn't know that this chapter got cut off, I hope this one uploads fine.

Oh yeah, btw, it's still from Terra's point of view

I do not own Teen Titans and I don't own…uh…anything else except the plot line…

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I turned slowly and looked at the young girl, about my age. She smiled, and somehow I smiled back.

"You having problems hon?" she asked gently as she sat down next to me.

"Uh…" was my answer. "Uh" "Uh?!" What was happening to me? Couldn't my brain come up with something better to say than "Uh?!"

She laughed and gently squeezed my hand. I got a closer look at her and I suddenly felt like I'd known this girl before. Impossible, I always remember what people from all my travels looked like, and there's A LOT. But none like her. So why does she feel like she's been my friend all my life?

"Don't sweat the love thing, hon," she said. "Believe me, it's not worth the worry."

"But I really hurt him," I replied. " I was selfish and mean and-"

She held up her hand. "_No más_"

"Eh?" came my surprised reply. Man, I was acting so weird around her.

"Look. Let me put it to you simply. I've been watching you for the past couple of hours and I want to tell you what was never told to me." She took a deep breath and began talking.

"You my dear need to forgive yourself. You could spend a lifetime trying to figure out how to fix all the mistakes you've made, but you aren't going to get far. Listen, really listen." She took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"True friends can forgive only if you want to be forgiven. You have to prove to them you want and need them back. Don't _worry_ so much. What happens will happen. If it all turns out bad, well at least you tried your best. If it all turns out good, fine then, you tried your best."

I stared at her as her words slowly started to sink in. Some of it was hard to understand, because I don't think she _really_ knew what bad things I had done. But maybe…maybe…Suddenly I felt…comforted. The kind of comfort I only felt at Titans tower. And with it came…dare I say it, hope?

I stood up and realized all the work I'd have to do in order to do my "best."

"Thanks," I said as we sat up and she wiped the sand off her. "Really, thanks."

The girl smoothed out her jet black hair and smiled. "Glad to be of service."

I suddenly felt the need to run. I had to do something. Now. I start to turn and run, but she calls out after me.

"Terra! Wait." She came up to me and suddenly her demeanor change. She seemed to crawl into a shell.

"Um, could you just tell…uh, Melissa, that…ummm…"

"Whoa? You know Melissa?" I cried out.

"Yeah, yeah," she said as she stared at the waves. She stared so long at them that I thought she wasn't going to reply again, but then she spoke. "Uh, just tell her that I'm fine and thanks for the thoughts and prayers."

"Uh, sure. What's your name?" I try to hide my puzzled expression with a mask. Doesn't work.

She looked me in the eye, as if debating whether or not her name could be trusted with me.

The wind started to pick up and I shivered slightly.

"Lily," she softly said. Then she turned and ran.

"Wait!" I called out. "How do you know her?"

But she was running too fast and never once looked back. I stared at her figure until it disappeared. I sighed and looked at the setting sun. I had work to do, and it wouldn't be easy. But the reward at the end was greater than anything in this world.

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Yep, there you have it people. I kinda used this chapter as a way to release some heavy emotions I've been getting this past month. She's real, you know. Well, pray that the next chapter which is half in my notebook half in my head will actually reach your eyes! Hehe, please review, it really helps me keep going knowing that I'm not writing this stuff so that it can sit on an internet shelf and gather dust. 


	5. The Dream

Well, I don't know if this chapter came out good, I wasn't intending on using this particular idea for this particular story, but then it just seemed to fit. I hope it's good, hehe. Thankies for ur reviews! Moo! (I say that when I'm happy…I know…it's different) I suck at writing articles about action, so the newspaper article might be crappy, haha. The tense is kinda messed up, I tend to switch from past to present. But other than that, Enjoy!

I don't own Teen Titans or Avril Lavigne's song "Slipped Away."

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_The Dream_

I put down the daily paper and looked out the main window. Two weeks had passed since the article was written.

_SLADE DEFEATED?!_

_Yesterday, anyone by the waterfront could see the amazing battle between the Titans and Slade. Numerous businesses were damaged, but no one was reported as dead. Many were injured, mostly because of an earthquake that rocked the entire city near the end of the confrontation. The police are still investigating the scene of the crime, and will not release any information. Many of the eyewitness accounts say that a young girl with blonde hair was seen near the battle and was caught underneath a building when the earthquake shook. Firefighters are still going through the debris and no bodies have been found yet. The Titans refuse to speak to reporters about the fight, which leads many to believe that the war between the Titans and Slade still isn't over._

Two weeks…still no word from Terra. The Titans weren't telling anyone that she had betrayed them and no one was really asking. Whether she was dead or alive was up in the air. I gently watched all the Titans go through their moods. Everyone just agreed after a while that she was dead. Starfire was still perky, but every once in a while she'd wistfully look out into the ocean for minutes at a time. Raven _seemed_the same, but her hood was over her eyes more than usual. Cyborg was the optimist, while Beastboy did his best at hiding his grief. Robin tried to be optimistic too, but his hopeful statements were always met with silence.

As for me, I didn't dare hope. I hoped she would be alive, then again I hoped Lily would come back and she didn't, now did she?

Some days I found myself humming Avril Lavigne songs, never really a good sign. Those songs brought back memories I wish I didn't have, but they somehow eased the pain I felt now. Sleep was the only way for my head to stop wondering and hoping and wishing. Sleep was always good. Always. At least, until the dreams started.

_I awake in a carnival. I look up and there is Terra and Beastboy getting onto the Ferris Wheel. I see a dark shadowy figure sneak in behind them and I wave my arms, trying to yell to them. But no sound comes from my mouth. I yell in frustration, getting angrier because I can't really yell, I'm just thinking of yelling. But my throat tightens as if I really am._

Morning came as usual. I made breakfast and tried to study schoolwork. Life went on. Even though I didn't want it to. I could never stand the way that a life changing thing could be going on, but right now, I'd be acting normal. A good friend of mine could have died, but here I am, making tofu and eggs as if it hadn't happened. I guess I'm always confused at how to go back. Back being the way I used to be before the whole Terra thing: happy. I clean up after everyone and am confronted by Raven.

"You're having nightmares," she calmly told me.

I keep my eyes on the swishing of my cloth on the table and don't respond.

"They're not normal nightmares," she continued, " you're screaming and waking me up, sometimes even Starfire, and she's at the end of the hall."

I still keep my eyes on the rag, as if it's gold or something valuable.

"Do something about it," she quietly says, and there's a tone in her voice that makes me look up. Her eyes looked sad and she held my hand. "Please do something about it."

So now I'm going to keep a journal of my dreams. Of course what happens in the dream is obvious, but maybe there's a meaning underneath it all. Maybe I'm trying to get something out that I'm not able to in real life. God…why does this always happen to me?

_I open my eyes and I'm there again. Only this time I'm actually in the cart that Beastboy and Terra are in. Once again I'm mute and cannot warn them._

They, the dreams, go on and on. In one I follow them to the place of mirrors. In some of them I have a voice. I always yell at Terra to run or to say something against Slade whenever I have my voice. It always ends the same though. Beastboy walks away and Terra and Slade slip into the shadows. Always…every…single…time. Days turn into weeks of having these nightly, how shall I call them…experiences? I try force, I try my words, I even try hitting Slade, just to change everything. I always tell myself in my dream, "If I just do this, everything will turn out alright."

My regular daily life hasn't really been affected by this. I think I actually am better when it comes to Terra, and even Lily. You'd think it'd be a wreck, having these occurrences, but I think it's rather cleansing. Instead of beating up a pillow or old car in the junk yard, I release my emotions in my dreams. One day I decided to meet my friends at the park. The sun was shining, my horrible tests at school were done with and it was a time to celebrate. As I walked to the park, I made up ways for myself to try and end the dreams. Maybe if I thought hard enough, it'd actually happen in the dream. Then, quite suddenly as I'm debating whether or not to think up a baseball bat in my dream, it hit me. No, not the Frisbee which came rather close, but the idea. The idea of how to end my dreams. And it hurt when I thought of it. And it hurt even harder when I thought of how I'd have to dream it.

I will do nothing.

All this time, I was trying so hard to change fate, to change the destiny of this young girl. But I couldn't. I had to let it happen. I had…to let go. Let go of both of them…and it really hurt when I realized it.

_A short young girl stares at a boy and girl her own age with tears streaming down her face, silently. The music of the carnival envelopes everyone as she keeps staring while the second girl slips into shadow, a boy walks away, and she is left alone._

_Nuh, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,  
__I miss you.  
__Miss you so bad.  
__I don't forget you.  
__Oh, it's so sad.  
__I hope you can hear me.  
__I remember it clearly,_

_The day you slipped away  
__Was the day, I found it won't be the same. Oh…_

_Nuh, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah  
__I didn't get around to kiss you goodbye on the head.  
__I wish that I could see you again,  
__I know that I can't.  
__I hope you can hear me.  
__Cuz I remember it clearly,_

_The day you slipped away  
__Was the day, I found it won't be the same. Oh…_

_I've had my wake up, won't you wake up  
__I keep asking why  
__And I can't take it, It wasn't fake  
__It happened, you passed by  
__Now you're gone, now you're gone  
__There you go, there you go  
__Somewhere I can't bring you back.  
__Now you're gone, now you're gone  
__There you go, there you go  
__Somewhere you're not coming back._

_The day you slipped away  
__Was the day, I found it won't be the same. Oh…_

_Nuh, nah, nah, nah, nah  
__I miss you._

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Okay! That's outta my system. Now to have fun and try and lighten up the mood! I promise I will! It might take awhile, seeing as how the holidays have me busy, but I'll try posting up soon again. I REALLY hope all u people are having fun during the holidays, really I am. Sometimes it's hard for me, but then I see my friends or family and I'm reminded of all the weird and cool stuff that goes on around this time of year. Right now the house smells of food, Mexican food to be exact. My grandma is over from Texas and I haven't seen her in two years. I'm happy. Hope u are too. Moo! Peace out! (and don't forget to press the pretty little purple button at the end of this page!) 


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